10 Things I’ll Miss When You Go Back to School (Insert Sarcasm Here)

When you work from home 80 percent of the time you have the luxury of enjoying some really special benefits, like hanging out in your pajamas until noon, (OK, 3 p.m.), throwing in a load of laundry whenever you feel like it, and eating cake for lunch without it raising any eyebrows. 

But when it's summertime and your kids are home, writing a simple coherent sentence seems about as plausible as building a spaceship. 

And, oh, it’s been a long, lazy summer. But with back-to-school season more in your face than Donald Trump, I just want to take a moment to let my feisty brood know what Mama will miss most when they’re finally forced to shower, strap on those backpacks, and get the hell off our chocolate-and-booger encrusted couch. 

Rather than pen a heartfelt and oh-so-truthful Dear Boys, we need some time apart … letter, I thought I’d focus on some of the highlights that made up the days we survived shared this summer.

Here are the top 10 things I’ll miss when you, my three darling boys, go back to school in 21 hours and 35 minutes (but who’s counting?)…

10. Being treated like Guy Fieri. Sure, I’ve gained a bit of weight and have some pretty outrageous bedhead but I just can’t “get fired up” to make you six different entrees for breakfast.

9. Family Feud reruns playing in a continuous loop so you can perfect your Steve Harvey imitation. 

8. Your refusal to brush your teeth before noon because… vacation.

7. Seeing you sneak off to the basement to watch Keeping Up With the Kardashians so you can horrify me with your encyclopedic knowledge of Scott Disick’s debauchery.

6. The miniature golf games that take the trash talk to gangster rapper levels.

5. Finding your wet bathing suit stuffed between the couch cushions.

4. The armpit-farting competitions you hold while the windows are open in an attempt to convince the neighbors I’m feeding you nothing but beans and broccoli.

3. Telling me daily that someone at your sports camp has been diagnosed with lice, strep throat, pink eye, or possibly syphilis.

2. Being called selfish because I don’t want to get down on all fours and play knee hockey in the basement when I’m supposed to be working.

1. You having ample time to change my phone’s wallpaper to dogs wearing lingerie.

OK, OK, No.1 does make me smile — even if it means you’ve been spending hours on a site called “Bitches Wearing Pantyhose” without my blessing.  

Still, a full two months of you missing the toilet 75% of the time hasn’t rendered me completely humorless … yet. But, sadly, we do need some time apart. You need time to spread your wings and learn and I need time to figure out how to get melted crayons out of our dryer’s lint trap. 

I’m sure once we return to the madness of you forgetting your lunchbox twice a week, the school nurse calling to say your mosquito bites resemble small pox, and your back-to-school night agenda proving more complicated than the MCAT exam, I’ll be longing for the dog days of summer. But right now I’m looking forward to seeing your bus driver take the corner on two wheels to deliver you back to the classroom asap. Love you! 

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